4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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