If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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