I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dignity is for republicans.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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