There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
