I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
