if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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