Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
