If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Pooping to opera.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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