i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
