Your mouth is God's brothel.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
