smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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