there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
