True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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