I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
honey bunches of taint.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
