dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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