Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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