I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
