I skipped work to stalk him.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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