just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
