omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
