peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
