even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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