Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I stole a fireplace last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
