remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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