I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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