Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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