On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
