when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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