I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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