Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
soo... how was my night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
