He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
