no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
