Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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