Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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