I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
