nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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