I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
