my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
