i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
