As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
