She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
