I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
