my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
