What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
