We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
