saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
