I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
