Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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