I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
