First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
