my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
