Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
