3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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