I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
